Category: Genesis – B’Resheet

The book of Beginnings. Genesis, or Beresheet as it is know in Hebrew, is the first book in the Torah. It tells the origin of mankind as well as the history and formation of the nation of Israel.

  • A Quick Look at Chayei Sarah

    A Quick Look at Chayei Sarah

    Reading from the Torah – Genesis 23:1 – 25:18

    Sarah dies, possibly due to exhaustion after knocking Abe’s brain out of his skull for trying to barbecue Isaac. Abe does the honorable thing and gives her a proper burial after purchasing a prime sepulcher from a local real estate tycoon. Abe decides it’s time for Isaac to get hitched. After scrolling right on Jdate, Becky meets Isaac after convincing her brother and mother that Isaac’s a real mensch. Sparks fly; they skip the wedding and go straight to the honeymoon. Caught in the throes of a midlife crisis at the age of 137, Abe decides that he’s single and ready to mingle. He buys a sports camel, marries a Bedouin beauty, and has more kids, thereby making him the oldest dad at the Hebron High School graduation ceremony. Keturah’s kids receive their trust funds and move east, but Isaac inherits the family business. Abe kicks the bucket at the ripe old age of 175. Isaac and Ishmael reunite to bury Abe with Sarah who continues to bop Abe’s noggin for eternity in the afterlife.

  • A Quick Look at Vayera

    A Quick Look at Vayera

    Though recovering from a little snippy-snippy on manland, Abe shows some Southern Desert hospitality to the three mysterious visitors who appear at his tent. Delighted by Abe’s delicious delicacies, one of the visitors tells him that Sarah will be going to the maternity ward instead of the geriatric ward. Abe saves his nephew Lot’s rear end again by praying that the Lord will spare him from the judgment coming on Las Vegas. Lot’s wife looks back at the bright lights of The Strip and turns into a box of Morton’s Salt. Abe loses Sarah again, this time to Abimelech, but Abe comes clean with Abimelech and somehow avoids marriage counseling. At the age of 90, Sarah gives birth to a baby and everyone laughs at the absurdity of it all, though Hagar and Ishmael aren’t invited to the baby shower. Before Abe can get too comfortable with the idea of having grandchildren, God tells him to barbecue Isaac, and no one’s laughing now. Just as Abe raises the knife to filet his boy, God stops him and tells him that now He knows that no one is more important to Abe than He is. God is so pleased with Abe that He promises him future family reunions that can’t be contained in the Superdome.